What They Don't Say
by Lobou
Summary: What the Naruto cast are like off the Camera! Rated for Language, drugs, and mentions of sexual prefrences. Also, this is just some sensless writing about things they would never ever say. ONESHOT! SOME SAKURA BASHING! Not that much SasuHina though...
1. Part 1

_**What they don't say.**_

_**WARNING: THIS FIC IS ALL ABOUT MAKING FUN OF NARUTO CHARACTERS! CHARACTERS ARE COMPLETELY OOC!**_

Disclaimer: Don't own it.

Things Naruto People Never Say.

**0o0**

_Fight scene in a forest_

Naruto- You're goin' down Sasuke-teme

Sasuke- Come say it to my face you-

_Suddenly, the sound of meowing echoed across the field_

Sasuke- FLUFFY! _runs after kitten_ Don't worry my wittle baby! Momma's here for wittle kitty-chan!

Director- CUT! Damn it, Uchiha! There are no animals in the studio!

**0o0**

Naruto- Fight him? HELL NO!

**0o0**

Sasuke- Squish the bug! Ewww! Help me!

**0o0**

Naruto- Tsunade, don't make me come over there and beat your ass again! Go get me some damn Kool-aide!

**0o0**

Itachi- I've given up my evil ways and taken up flower arranging.

**0o0**

Kakashi- Any one got any hair gel?

**0o0**

Gai- I am the Great Saiyaman in disguise! _strikes silly pose_

**0o0**

Sakura- Naruto, did you just explain the law of gravity.

**0o0**

Kakashi- What the hell is sex?

**0o0**

Sakura- Who the hell cares where Sasuke is!

**0o0**

Orochimaru- Welcome to the Dark Side Sasuke!

Sasuke- No! It can't be true! NOOOOOO!

**0o0**

Jiraiya- What are panties?

Kakashi- Dunno. Let's look it up.

**0o0**

Gaara- How ironic…I got sand in my eye…

**0o0**

Sasuke on the phone- Hello? Is this Ichiraku Ramen?

Ramen Dude- Yes this is!

Sasuke- Is Mike there? Mike Rotch?

Ramen Dude yells to the crowd- Hey every one! Has anybody seen Mike Rotch!

**0o0**

Sasuke- I used to have an itty bitty attitude problem, but now since I've been taking PROZAC and I feel as dandy as ever!

**0o0**

Rock Lee- _singing_ Everybody was Kung-Fu fighting…

**0o0**

Itachi- FORGET IT! Find someone else to catch your stupid Demons! I'm going to pursue a career in modeling!

**0o0**

Director- AAANND…Action!

Naruto- Oh, Sakura-chan, your voice is so high and scratchy! Sometimes you sound like someone strangling a cat!

Sakura- **WHAT?**

Director- CUT! Damn it Naruto! You're supposed to say how lovely and soft her voice is!

Naruto- But I can't help it! Everybody knows it's true! Am I right? Am I?

_The whole camera staff nod their heads_

**0o0**

Gaara- _Working out to Richard Simmons aerobics tape_ Burn baby, burn…Disco Inferno! Burn baby burn…

**0o0**

Hinata- I'm sorry Daddy…I should have told you about Sasuke, Naruto, Kiba, Gaara and Kakashi 9 months ago…

**0o0**

Jiraiya- Women need to be respected! Not drooled and gawked at like pieces of meat!

**0o0**

Naruto- _waves his arms at Akatsuki_ Shoo! Go away! I don't want to fight you, go home! Shoo!

**0o0**

Gai- Hello! I'm Gai-sensei! I'll be your dance instructor for today…

**0o0**

_Sasuke on live channel 7 news_

Reporter- Sasuke, you just defeated Orochimaru. What are you going to do now?

Sasuke- _grins like an idiot_ I'm going to Disney Land.

**0o0**

Konohamaru- What the (BEEP)(BEEP)(BEEP)…(BEEP)(BEEP)(BEEP)(BEEP) are you lookin' at? Oh, go (BEEP) yourself! Shut the (BEEP) up!

**0o0**

Sasuke- _Throws N64 control_ GODDAMNIT!

Naruto- _goofy grin_ Gee Sasuke-teme, I guess Pac Man just isn't your thing.

**0o0**

_Kakashi, Asuma and Kurenai are on a mission and it is the middle of the night. They are all huddled together, asleep in the dark. Kakashi wakes up He grins lecherously and reaches his hand to squeeze something soft and firm. Kurenai wakes up_

Kurenai- Kakashi?

_Kakashi is still groping_

Asuma- WHAT THE HELL! _smacks Kakashi on the head_ TOUCH MY ASS AGAIN AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS!

**0o0**

Hinata- _brags to Sakura_ Yeah, I beat the crap out of those damn Sailor Moon Whores! HAHAA!

**0o0**

Naruto- _enters room_ Hey Sasuke! Hey…what are you doing in bed with Hinata and Sakura?

Sasuke- Uh…um…I'm uh…training? Yeah, training.

Hinata- Yeah, he's training.

Sakura- You need to leave now.

Naruto- Okay, maybe I'll try that some time. Ja! _leaves_

Ino- _from under the covers_ I thought he was never going to leave!

**0o0**

Sakura- Hey Ino!

Ino- Sorry I'm late, I saw this lady wearing a sweater so ugly I was forced to pull over!

**0o0**

Naruto- _in jail cell with Sasuke_ Man, she sure didn't look like a cop, did she?

**0o0**

Kiba- Damn it! I can't get this jutsu right! It's making me so frustrated!

Naruto- Good, let out your emotions. I did and now I feel like a whole new person! _trips over tree stump_ Shit! Fcking plant! I'll blast you to pieces! RASENGAN!

**0o0**

Sasuke- I…I'm really a WOMAN! _thousands of female fans take a knife to their heart_

**0o0**

Shikamaru- Chouji, why are your cheeks so puffy?

Chouji- _mumbles sounds_

Shikamaru- NOOO! MY HAMSTERS!

**0o0**

Sasuke- Crap! I need to take a leak! Maybe if I grab my chest and start losing they'll think I'm sick…

**0o0**

Naruto- Damn Sasuke! You have a nice ass!

(A/N- o.O)

Sasuke- Yeah, I use the Ass Master 3000!

**0o0**

_**And now, the finale! When ever you see **click!**, it means the person hung up on the other. Now, CONTINUE!**_

_Team 7 just finished watching THE RING tape. No, not the movie THE RING, but the actual killer tape. Kakashi downloaded it on the internet. Anyway, the phone rings and Sasuke goes and answers it._

Sasuke- Hello?

Scary Voice- You're going to die in seven days!-

Sasuke- Whatever…_hangs up the phone_

_Sasuke walks back to his team._

Kakashi- Who was it?

Sasuke- No one.

_Phone rings again_

Sasuke picked it up again- Hello?

Scary Voice- You're going to die in seven- _click!_

_Phone rings again, Sasuke picks it up._

Scary Voice- You're going to d-_ click!_

_Phone rings again, Sasuke answers._

Scary Voice- You're-_ click!_

_Phone rings again, Sasuke answers._

Sasuke- Hello?

Voice- Is this Bob's Pizza Palace?

Sasuke- Oh my frickin'… _click!_

_Phone rings again, and you know what happens_

Sasuke- What?

Scary Voice- Dammit, don't hang up again! All I wanted was to tell you something, but NOOO! You just hang up on me like I was nothing!

Sasuke- Okay fine. _Walks to couch with his team and sprawls out across it_ Tell me what it is you wanted to say.

Scary Voice- Okay…well, you're going to die in seven- _click!_

Kakashi- Why do you keep hanging up on 'em? _Snatches phone from him_ I'll handle this.

_Phone rings, this time Kakashi answers._

Kakashi- Hello?

Scary Voice- WHY! WHY MUST YOU KEEP DOING THIS TO ME!

Kakashi- There, there. It's okay, just tell me about yourself. _Perverted grin is now present_

Scary Voice- Oh…well… _Kakashi puts on speaker phone_ …I'm very very pale…

Naruto- Sounds like Itachi…

Scary Voice- I have long black hair…

Sakura- Yeah it does, doesn't it?

Scary Voice- And I enjoy killing people.

Sasuke- Yup, definitely Itachi.

Kakashi sighs- Oh well… _click!_

**0o0**

_End!_

_REVIEW!_


	2. Part 2

**_What They Don't Say Part 2_**

Don't own Naruto…or any other person that was featured…

WARNING!! SAKURA BASHING!!!

**oOo**

Director- Aaaaaaand…ACTION!

Naruto- Sasuke…Why?

Sasuke- Because I-

_Loud explosion_

Naruto- What the hell?!

_Smoke clears - Head pokes out of the whole at the side of the set_

Naruto- Inuyasha?!

Inuyasha- Sorry!

Director growls- I am TRYING to shoot a scene here!!

Sasuke- What happened?

Inuyasha- The special effects for my windscar messed up…sorry dude…

_Another explosion – Head pokes out of the other side of the set_

???- Whoops…

Sasuke- Ryu from Street Fighter?!

**oOo**

Ibiki- Mr. Clean is my Idol!

**oOo**

_Neji about to fight Kidomaru_

Neji- What the hell?! Why do I have to fight this Bootleg, Spider Man Rip-Off?!?

**oOo**

Hinata- Harder Sasuke! Harder!

Sasuke- Argh-I'm-Ah-doing the best-Agh-I can!!

Hinata- Oh god Sasuke! Do it Harder!

Sasuke- Ah-Damn-Argh-it-Ahhh!!

Hinata- Harder Sasuke! Just a little longer!

_Sasuke sets down Pickle jar_

Sasuke- The top just won't come off!

**oOo**

Itachi- Kisame was too scared to even go in the kiddie pool…Damn wimp…

**oOo**

Sakura and Ino- Neo from The Matrix is SO HOTT!

Male characters from Naruto- PUH-LESE!! That man's a wuss!!

Lee- So is that Bruce Lee!!!

**oOo**

Kakashi- Kiss me, smack me, touch me, squeeze me, give it to me just how you like it girrrrl!

All women around him- Damn perv...

**oOo**

_Sasuke at Orochimaru's lair_

Kabuto whispers to Sasuke- I suggest that you don't stay in the same room with Orochimaru…let alone _his_ room…

Sasuke- Why?

Kabuto- Basically…He's the Michael Jackson of Anime…

**oOo**

_Naruto and Sasuke sitting on Sasuke's Porch smoking weed_

Naruto- Dude…I'm like…soooo High!

Sasuke- S-So?! I'm so high…I don't even…KNOW I'm high…

Naruto- You just said…you're high…man we're high…

Sasuke- No…We're high…Dumbass…

Naruto- But I said…I was high first!

Sasuke- Hehe…you said butt… _falls over and passes out_

**oOo**

Naruto to Kisame- You damn Jaws wannabe!!

**oOo**

Gai- Screw being a ninja! I'm going to be a professional Ballet!!

Lee- Hell Yeah!!

**oOo**

_Chunin Exams – Kakashi is PISSED_

Kakashi- GODDAMNITALL!! I bet a shit load of money that Neji would beat that dumbasses ass! _Referring to Naruto_

Sakura- But Kakashi…Isn't gambling illegal?

Kakashi- Fck you Sakura! It's illegal for you to be that damn ugly, but you still do it anyway!!

**oOo**

Gai- Lee! Those innocent people are in danger!!

Lee- Jiminy Crickets! Holy Flippin' Smokes! Geewilikers! Holy Rusted Metal Batman! …I mean Gai-Sensei! What should we do!?!

Gai- ………………God damn you killed it Lee…I can't work like this… _walks away sadly_

**oOo**

_**FINALE!! SORRY FOR MAKING THIS SO SHORT, BUT THE FINALE IS EXTRA LONG!!**_

_**Who Stole Naruto's Ramen?**_

Naruto- MY RAMEN!! SOME ONE STOLE MY RAMEN!!

_Suddenly, a room with suspects lined up against a wall with poorly painted height lines appears – Sasuke, Kakashi, Sakura, _

Naruto walks up to Sasuke- Who stole the ramen from my ramen jar? Was it you?

Sasuke- Who me?

Naruto- Yes you!

Sasuke- Couldn't be!

Naruto- Then who!?

_Naruto walks up to Kakashi_

Naruto- Who stole the Ramen from my ramen jar? Was it you?

Kakashi- Who me?

Naruto- Yes you!

Kakashi- Couldn't be!

Naruto- Then who!?

_Naruto walks up to Sakura_

Naruto- Who stole the ramen from my ramen jar? Was it you?

Sakura- Who me?

Naruto- Yes you!

Sakura- Couldn't be!

Naruto- THEN WHO THE HELL STOLE MY RAMEN!?!?!?!

_Evil Laughter sounds the room_

???- It was I!!!

_Everyone stares at the stranger_

Naruto- You again?!

Sasuke- Inuyasha, why would you steal this idiots' ramen?

Inuyasha- Because! That whiny bitch Kagome didn't bring me any! So, I took it from an easier target! _Evil giggle – Begins to rub hands like a crazy person_ Like taking candy from a retard…except retards fight back…

Naruto- How did you even get here?

Inuyasha- Huh? Oh, Oh…I live right down the street from you. Y'know, that corner on Hokage Street and Kaede Village Road?

Sakura- Oh, I know where that is! I go there all the time to-

Everyone in the room- Shut up Sakura! No one cares about you!!

Sakura- _gets mad_ Why you!! _ Tackles Inuyasha_

Inuyasha- God Lee! When was the last time you showered woman?!

Sakura- Quiet!!! _Put's armpit to Inu's face – Inu Falls unconscious_

Kakashi- Wow, Sakura actually did something useful!!

Naruto- Three cheers for me getting my ramen back!

_People begin to crowd in the room_

Naruto- Hip Hip!

People- YAY!!!

Naruto- Hip Hip!

People- YAY!!!

Naruto- Hip Hip!

People- HORRAY!!!

Naruto- Now, Three cheers for Sakura for stopping Inuyasha!! Hip Hip!!

People- BOOO!!

Naruto- Hip Hip!!

People- BOOO!!

Naruto- Hip Hip!!

Someone from Audience- BOO YOU STINK!!!

**oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo**

Yay! End of Part two!

Sorry if it wasn't as good as the first…but hey! It had its moments! Right?

_**REVIEW!!!**_


End file.
